2020-APRIL 25 ISSUE: CORRALES WRITERS’ GROUP

By Jim Tritten
I love swigging insect repellent more than I love eating kale.

Many of you have seen my postings on Facebook concerning my utter aversion for kale. One of my followers, let’s call him John, enjoys my weekly postings and recently challenged me to express how far my loathing of that plant would take me. In other words, would I set my distaste for kale into context; what else would I rather do than eat kale. Here is my response.

Dear John, it is much faster to swig insect repellent and get an immediate high than to endure the endless chewing of waxy green kale. Kale, a relative of the cabbage family, is infused with silica to make it both compression-resistant and unattractive to herbivores. Sort of like chewing those wax Coke bottles we got as kids.

So, why subject myself to the cumbersome effort of eating kale when there is a much faster and easier way to obtain the same effect. I, for one, would rather get an immediate rush of sensory reactions throughout the 10,000 taste buds in my mouth. Those taste buds allow our brains to instantly interpret not only the tasting stimuli, but also smell, tactile and thermal sensations.

Remember trying to eat your first kale salad? What did you do with the wad of green substance that ended up in your cheeks because you couldn’t swallow it? And, while you were unsuccessfully trying to crush kale with your molars, saliva stopped being secreted by your salivary glands. Your saliva gave it a good try and waited until the onslaught of kale passed or erupted from your mouth. Dry kale is not nearly as tasty as proponents of super-foods would have you believe, is it? Much better to take in liquid insect repellent. No risk of blocked salivary glands.
No delay in satisfaction necessary when you just take the top off a bottle of Ben's Insect Repellent Spray, put it to your lips, take in a deep pull, swish the 30 percent Deet liquid around your mouth, pause letting it pool on your tongue. You’ll need to fight off the urge to pucker your lips at first.

Next, inhale through your mouth and nose like you were tasting an expensive Bordeaux … fully savor the bouquet. Then hold your breath, close the vocal folds over your larynx, and gargle, making sure you reach deep enough to get to the upper esophagus. Finally, slowly let the tingling liquid dribble down your throat on its way to your stomach and intestines. Ah yes, that wonderful feeling of putrefaction as the savory liquid merges with this morning’s Rice Krispies and buttermilk. Ahhhhh, yes. Much better than chewing kale.

So, John, I confess that I love swigging insect repellent more than I love eating kale. Shows I have a well-developed palate and need for immediate oral satisfaction. Might I suggest male cat urine the next time someone offers you some Greek retsina?

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